WHEN EVIL BECOMES PERSONAL

In my previous blog (June 20~TRUTH WINS OVER EVIL) we started exploring the issue of conflict between persons. As we all know, interpersonal conflict can become extremely ugly. It often brings out the worst in people. Vile, hurtful words are spoken. Destructive, harmful actions are carried out. Many times these things happen between individuals who previously enjoyed a relationship, which at the very least was cordial, if not close. In today’s post I want to probe WHEN EVIL GETS PERSONAL.

The cause of conflict is not a secret. James 4:1-3 provides a clear word on the cause: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (NIV)

There’s nothing really surprising about James’ diagnosis of the cause. All of us have experienced the panic-driven emotions of feeling like what we want, which we probably feel we deserve or is our right, is being ripped away from us. If we don’t fight for what we want, we are not going to get what we think, or feel we so desperately need. So we take action to protect and defend our turf. This scenario plays out with frightening frequency in homes, workplaces, neighborhoods, churches, and pretty much any place where people meeting with one another.

When you encounter someone who is ready to fight, because you’ve encroached upon something they “desire”, what do you do? First, it’s important to understand what’s driving the person. James uses the word, desire (NIV), which in the New American Standard is, LUST. The Greek word for lust is Epithumeo (ep-ee-thoo-meh’-o) and it means “to lust after, covet; of those who seek things forbidden.” So, James is referring to someone who is being driven by what they want and what they crave.  If you, because of your role [position] come between someone and what they desire/lust, there’s a good chance there will be conflict. If you’re a leader (as a parent in your home; as a boss/manager in your workplace; as a pastor in your church; a ministry team leader; small group leader; student body officer; captain of a sports team; etc.), I can guarantee that you will find yourself in the unenviable position of standing between someone and what they desire or lust after. There’s a good chance this person doesn’t view their desire/lust as wrong. They’ve convinced themselves they are right, and if it’s someone who claims to follow Christ, they will even rationalize they’re not only right, but their cause is righteous. As a leader this places you in an extremely difficult position, I know because I’ve been there many times. Here are some of the things which help me when this happens:

One, make a deliberate choice to not take what is being said and done personally. This is hard to do but absolutely necessary to maintain focus on the responsibilities of your role as a leader. One of the things which makes this so difficult is the other person will try to make it personal, and may even get very personal in their comments towards you. As Paul mentored the young pastor, Timothy, he told him: “Keep your head in all situations.” (2 Timothy 4:5 NIV) If you do make the mistake of allowing things to become personal, you are in effect ceasing to function in your leadership role. 

Two, maintain your cool and respond in a Christ-like manner. Don’t assume this means you always have to be “meek and mild.” To be Christ-like includes appropriately expressing righteous anger. Remember Jesus flipping the tables of the moneychangers in the temple (Matthew 21). Generally, this won’t be your response, even though on the inside you may feel like flipping a few tables. When you’re in the midst of conflict, of the nature being described in today’s blog, it’s important that your words and actions are guided by God’s Word and your understanding of what God wants you to do in the situation (God’s will as has been revealed to you as a leader). 

One of the things that helps me in conflict is I try to respond and not react. When I start reacting, I say things I wished wouldn’t have said, or in a way that wasn’t best. I recall hearing Pastor Charles Crabtree say that when things would get intense in a meeting he was leading or attending, he would purposely soften his voice as he spoke. That’s good counsel for all of us. 

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on how to respond WHEN EVIL BECOMES PERSONAL, so I can learn from your experiences. Please add your response to this blog post on either the Facebook page or at thetransformingtruth.blogspot.com.